I was soooo looking forward to this week....2 days of teaching and finishing up a whole unit, that we have worked so hard on for several weeks, then 2 days at a workshop, which are always fun because its something new and different and you get to go out to lunch like adults do, instead of eating in the school's cafeteria, then on Friday was a scheduled doctors appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat and then we were off to the beach for the weekend. Something told me not to post my status for FB as: "Looking forward to a fun week" because that same something told me my week was not going to go as planned and how I wanted it to on my calendar. On Monday, I started having some complications and by Tuesday I knew that there was a problem and I needed to go to the doctor now, not Friday. Well, we went to a new doctor (because mine would not see me and acted as if I was crazy for even calling, I will not mention names, but that is no longer my doctors office), I was calm and my blood pressure was good/normal, which is unusual because its always a little on the higher side, I could tell right away that something was wrong and that there was not a heartbeat. In that moment though I felt PEACE! Peace that I have not felt the whole 9 1/2 weeks because something told me AGAIN, the whole time, it was not real, it just didn't feel right. With Bryson I was carefree and didn't worry, didn't think twice about him or the pregnancy until the end when I got preeclampsia. With this one I have taken my vitamins, not held Bryson, tried to eat right, tried to swim 2-3 times a week, I have been VERY careful, but it just wasn't enough and I think I thought the more I do to do better than I did with Bryson, the better off the baby will be.
As many of you know we told about our SURPRISE at Brooks' 30th Birthday Party and I was only 3 1/2 weeks pregnant . I knew at the time that it was pushing the limit by telling so early, but I was totally caught up in the moment and it was so fun to see our friends and family react in the way that they did. I have been anxiously counting down and waiting for this week to hear the heartbeat before I could really believe that this was true. I have hinted on FB that we were pregnant and many friends, co-workers, and family members knew, but I still could not bring myself to say WE ARE PREGNANT, it just would not come out, it felt like the whole time it was not real. I figured up that I was due the week of Spring Break and how perfect is that be off a few days, have a baby, and take a long summer, again it was PERFECT, but not real! I now know that things are not meant to be perfect and that they don't go as they look on my calendar, on my time and secretly I knew this before, but I was just hoping that God wanted this to be and I realize his lesson in this.
Today is a new day and I feel good, I feel like I should be doing something productive because sitting home, watching it rain is not for me. I am hopeful that our future is brighter than yesterday, but I truly understand the lesson in yesterday and I know that if we are only suppose to have Bryson in our lives then that is PERFECT enough for me because he is PERFECT and I can spoil him and he can be a mommy's boy forever! I think the hard time will come in April when I was suppose to have a new bundle of joy and spend the last month of Bryson's preschool years with him, but I now know that was not meant to be and its ok because my perfect little boy will be going to school with me next year and I can watch every move he makes from kindergarten to 5th grade and that makes this a little easier. For now, I am going to publish this without proofreading because I have a lunch date with my husband. I will be back for more later because I think I have found my outlet: BLOGGING :) See ya in a bit!!!
