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I am changed.

happy monday.....*for the record I started this 2 mondays ago, so its only fitting & OCD of me to finish it on a monday*

this has taken longer than i wanted, but the title has been there for awhile. i am changed. 

during the process of the last 8 months of life, i have changed, i am changed,  i have grown in areas and probably not grown at all in others, what i did this time last year is a fond memory of an old life! in the beginning of corona i longed for the old normal, now i long for that to never return.

i found lots of JOY from being home and being happy in our home. i am fine to be home with the kids and brooks and just doing whatever and sometimes just doing nothing. nothing wasn't a part of the old life. being busy was what i thought brought happiness...

pre-covid, we were on the road all the time, going here there and everywhere, and now.... i don't want or need that life anymore....it was a good life that we lived, it has many memories and many fond moments, but it was exhausting.....and hard and expensive and show-ie and just busy. 

it seemed we lead this life because it was what good parents should do, right? we should have our kids in everything possible, we should push them to make great grades, be in awesome clubs, lead others, etc....but honestly over the passing months, does any of that really matter?

i know for me my focus over the last few years has been shifted towards minimalism, i have many posts about that....yes, we work hard to provide the basics as well as nice things for our kids, but will that make them an awesome adult? the verdict is still out for about 10ish years....(check back in 2030!)

i caught myself the other day...... brit said she made a 40 on a math POST test (oh my).... i caught myself slipping into the thoughts of "oh no, what about honor roll, what if she doesn't make honor roll" and then i stepped back and said....what the heck is wrong with YOU, ALYSHA, what does 4th grade honor roll matter when she is 23, 43, 83?? i am proud that she was concerned enough to want to do better and was honest about it, but my response became, its okay babe, you will be fine, did you take your time, did you give it your best....it will be FINE! 

i don't want to live that life anymore, i don't want to be controlled by thinking that others judge our parenting skills from whether or not my kid made 4th grade honor roll......or whether or not my kid has the latest and greatest new shoes....or whether or not brit has 4 after school activities that i spend more time driving her to, then i actually spend actual time with her....i. don't. want. to. be. busy. i. want. to. be. intentional. 

there is this object, that i feel defines pre-covid life for us, #thedertings and when i see it, i get that sick feeling in my stomach.....its like an ending, a death, a feeling of----that life is over. that object is our HOV lane transponder in my car, its this little white box thingy, i can only see it when I enter the car from the front, i don't see it from the side or back, so its not daily, but its enough to resonate feelings!.....other than the airport a few weeks ago i can't tell you the last time we "needed" that, can't tell you the last time we traveled that way down 77 to "need" such an object. its weird, but its also a new happiness. its so crazy that, that object is such a defining object for me! 

ive been telling brooks for a few months that i have no desire to go back to the way it was, i have no desire to be a taxi service for my kids, taxi service that once defined me and my happiness and my "good job as a mom". i even said i feel bad for brit bc i don't want to short change her, as we have done and been running for bryson since the age of 3ish.....but over the months she has been pretty content being at home, being still, being comfortable in pjs, dirty hair, living on all the junk food she can find in the cabinets....(and lets face it soccer is not going away, but i do hope we can hone in on the fact that they don't need constant full schedules to be happy, healthy, content kids), they don't need busy to be successful, smart, caring, good people, busy is done defining us! 

i hope that the "new normal" upon us will help others redefine what is busy and what is intentional. 


much love, alysha

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