In case you can't read me like a book....I "guess" that I tend to overreact on some issues....as I have stated in recent posts..my life has been way more stressful than I like it to be lately...mostly work related (however I am very thankful for my job and it is very rewarding) lately it has just been difficult. I told Brooks Sunday that I was ready to go back to work (after my 3 day weekend) to continue to tackle the end of year issues. Well, it didn't take but about 15 minutes Monday morning before I wanted to eat my words....I just have felt like (with the exception of day, THANKFULLY) nothing but problems, issues, concerns and needs seemed to walk through the door ALL needing immediate attention.....I am hoping that with my caseload winding down to only 2 left for the year, that I can calm down and not let the little things bring me down.
So yesterday I had my monthly checkup and I was anxious, as I always am when I walk through the doors. I have tried to be a "big" girl and go by myself the past couple of times and it seemed to be ok, so I went yesterday ALONE, which was the 1st mistake. I went a month ago and had my midway ultrasound to make sure everything looked good. Brooks thankfully went with me to this appointment, but I was very concerned throughout the whole process b/c she took 76 pictures and would not tell us anything...I realize it is her job to not tell, but honestly I don't know how she managed to not say anything with the million questions I kept asking her, but she did. At the end I think she tried to calm my nerves by telling me that the doctor would call if there was a problem, but she didn't think he would need to, so I took a deep breathe and I have been living off of that since March 2nd. I was mostly nervous because we didn't have this ultrasound with Bryson b/c insurance only paid for one 5 1/2 years ago and the only one I got was at 9 weeks, so this was already a different experience for me.
BACK to yesterday....I go in...she said I had gained 7 lbs :( which hurt my feelings a little, said my blood pressure was good and told me the next appointment I get to do the diabetes test :( SO the doctor came in, listened to the heartbeat, I told him I had been trying really hard to stay in shape and not gain TOO much weight and he seemed fine with the fluctuation this time, but he doesn't want it to be that high again (and neither do I). So I asked about the ultrasound and he said....she looks good, 58th percentile, not too big, not too small.....and then he said BUT......I do want you to have another u/s in a few weeks.......so my heart dropped and there I sat alone with time standing still.......WHY...why do I need another one????? Well, she is fine, but (and this is exactly what I heard).....you have a short cervix...its 3.6 and we don't want it to be 2.5 or you could go into labor...so we are going to check again and make sure that its not any shorter in a couple of weeks.....and I said and if it is what "could" happen.....you "could" go into labor early......OMG! Not what I needed to hear...so I FREAK out and he tries to calm me b/c he already knows that I am a freak about things, but I tried to appear calm, till I got to the car and lost! I called Brooks and told him what I "heard" and he tried to console me over the phone, but it didn't seem to work either. I came home looked on the internet, which I know is a bad thing to do.....but I couldn't help myself....Brooks looked too from work and we truly found 2 different takes on this "condition".....He found ok stuff and I found horror stories...He came home and washed and dried clothes, loaded the dishwasher, pretty much did everything I would have done if I hadn't been sulking on the couch. I went to bed wondering, had terrible nightmares and worried every hour that I woke up about what "could" happen if I went into labor now.....
Brooks called the doctor this morning to confirm my story and see what exactly we should do from here, b/c in my mind I had myself on bed rest from now till August. So the doctor told him....that I was on the low "normal" size for the length.....I DIDN'T HEAR THE WORD NORMAL COME FROM HIS MOUTH ONCE, but he assured Brooks that it is ok...he just wants to monitor it for now since I did have a miscarriage and since Bryson was a month early...he wants to be cautious. Brooks asked if I should stop working out (which was one of my questions yesterday) and he said no..not at this time b/c right now there is not an indication that anything is "wrong" so I can continue to be "normal" until the next u/s shows something different.
I am much calmer now and I am thinking that perhaps I was born this way and it was this way with Bryson and they just didn't check it. SO I am going to be more optimistic about this little, minor (I pray) condition and not let it stress me for the next few weeks. I am going to remain clam and continue to walk a little and swim some until the u/s and I am praying that it is either the same length or LONGER on April 20th!
Sorry I rambled awhile tonight....I really wanted to write last night, but I am thinking it would not have been near as positive, so I am glad I waited a day to let this sink in.
Thanks for reading my crazy words, I really appreciate the positive feedback I get back from sharing the crazy thoughts that run through my head. Have an EXCELLENT Thursday :) Love to you as always! Alysha