happy tuesday!
as i reflect on my 2023 vision board there is one glaring thing i am behind on...blogging....and when i set goals i complete them so here i am! you will see me 5 more times this 2023 year to mark this off the board!
i have a couple topics in my head, but being that it is summer---i am starting here. i am in the phase of summer slipping away and it makes me sad, but i have tried so hard this summer to enjoy, not rush and truly soak it in.
this has been a defining summer for me. bryson is weeks away from his senior year. and its HARD. possibly the hardest part i recall in this parenting journey. tears fill my eyes as i type as they have for weeks when i let myself think that this is it. it's almost over. this phase is nearing the end. and the next phase may hold sweet, precious times as well, but dang the not knowing hurts!
i have tried my very best to be present. be in the moment. although then i have tears. again. i keep reliving all the small things, the big things, all the things. did we do enough, did we teach enough, did we do a decent job. it's like nothing i have experienced as a parent. sure changing diapers, securing childcare, terrible 2s, etc they were challenges but i feel like you are so deep in those moments, you don't reflect and when the end is staring you in the face all you have is reflection.
as i cried for 30 mins after dropping him off for his last soccer camp the other day, i was reminded i can be sad, but i should be proud, sad/proud is acceptable and it's a great thought. i am, we are, super proud of him. anything he has ever set his mind to, he has accomplished. and as we took our 1st college tours last week i was reminded of how proud we are, he has worked so hard to be competitive when applying for colleges soon. (btw-i may start sharing tips for parents entering this stage, because i am learning a lot and surely there are others out there that need help navigating this as well).
so here i sit sad/proud. but i have thoughts and they are thoughts that some won't agree with and that's okay maybe they aren't in the same phase or maybe they will never have these thoughts. but here are my thoughts....yall. we as a society, us included, spend too much time pushing our kids into activities. i know, i have done it, WE are guilty, but now that i see the end. it doesn't matter. i say that for a few reasons and it doesn't matter seems not a nice way or the right way to explain my thoughts. i say this because bryson has played soccer for almost 15 years. we have done it all. traveled near and far, played all levels. and all those memories i would not trade (that's where this is tricky and i wouldn't trade it, but then i say its not worth it-see hard to explain). we have met some of our closest friends on this journey, but bryson has no intentions of playing soccer in college. no intentions because what he wants to study wouldn't allow time to be a student athlete as well and thats okay. but when i say not worth it.....we pay so much money, we spend so much time dropping here, dropping there, missing out on time with them. and i currently want more time. i am not saying no activities because the other side of that are the benefits of being on a team, learning to win and be a good loser, but i am saying...maybe less. not 5 sports, not activities 24/7. i just want more slow days at home in our home, just us because those days are oh so numbered.
i feel like i have tried to be so selfish this summer. i want to keep them both home with me, in our bubble, alone. i dont want to share them, i dont want them to go without me. i want to spend all the time with them. and then i think of school starting. sports starting. and we go back to 12-14 hour days where i dont seem them. and its not worth it. i want all the minutes with them. i want all the time.
so you see i am so conflicted. i am sad/proud. i want more time. i want another 18 years.
the whole point of this blog from day 1 was to let my emotions out, so if you stuck with this, this is me. raw, crying, sad/proud. and i just want to say e.n.j.o.y. all the moments, don't rush them, soak it all in because one day you will see about 365 days remaining on this part of the parenting journey and things suddenly look differently.
thanks for always reading-i will be back 4 more times once i publish this one because remember you set goals to accomplish them, not to abandon them!
much love as always, alysha