i have pondered this post for a whole year...i have started it and left it. but today being 8.16 i am hitting publish....
i have used this platform as reflection and healing for 12 years, so its only fitting this topic gets a place holder as well.
365 days ago it was my 40th birthday eve. brooks and i had just returned home from a b-day trip and i was nervous and apprehensive about going back to work on 8.16. i didnt realize it was going to change my family and life plan. every summer i dreaded going back because for years there were always changes, i was always on pins and needles wondering the last 1/2 of the summer what would change next. last year i pumped myself up and said i am not doing this. i am not worrying about this. it is what it is (thats my new 40 year old phrase, i use it often). but i was still oblivious to what could really happen......
so on monday i got up went to work in the pouring rain and had to deliver paper boxes of folders to several schools....i think it was about 15 boxes (some of this day i blocked from my memory) this was a least favorite part of the job because we had to do it every year and it is difficult, one to carry them and two to actually get into buildings carrying and trying to open doors....
we were told we had a meeting at 330 pm. i go into the meeting thinking it cant be that bad, it will be okay, it is what it is. and by 335 pm we were told we had to help in schools due to the teacher shortage. now let me pause here. i get it. 100% get it. there are no teachers. i wont get into why because again, it is what it is and i wouldnt be here if i werent 18 years in. i was given 3 schools. i had to serve as a teacher in 3 schools until positions were filled. now that may seem not so bad, but honestly with only 4 workdays ahead being told you are going to teach in 3 schools and school starts in 6 days was more than i could handle. this changed the family dynamic of pickup. drop off. this is a change that someone as ocd as me. can’t handle at the drop of a hat. this is a life changing thing. i am thankful i didnt have a nervous breakdown (or maybe i did, but refuse to give anyone credit for that). so that evening and the next few days there were many tears, many questions and an 8 year old resume updated.
the next month of my life and my families life was upside down. i pondered quitting. i accepted a position in catawba county by the end of that week. i quit iss. and then on the day before my 30 day notice, i rescinded. things just didnt feel right (nothing honestly felt right). i then took a single position at west. it was good, it was a good year. i was with bryson. i learned that i could teach again. i had a great team. it was the best landing spot i could have found. but after years and years-8 of them. i am damaged. i trust nothing. i feared around march that i would be blindsided, again. so i started the hunt, again. i played out every worst case scenario in my head. again. i made the choice to move to another school for this upcoming year in may. i dont trust. i know that last september 24th (the day i rescinded my 30 day notice) i was told on the phone standing in the west high parking lot "you are good for this year but anything can change".
last september when i was on the fence of just walking away and having a possible midlife crisis. i pondered cleaning houses. i love cleaning. i love organizing. and there is no fear of what could change in that environment. but i was scared and i backed off and settled into west high. in april when my mind was spinning, again. i was given the opportunity to clean a new reno. brit and i did it! it was fun! it was rewarding (& it was fun money). since then we have cleaned 2 faithful houses every other week and a few others along the way. i will not give credit for the year i had last year, but i will give credit for the push out of my comfort zone to try something i have wanted to do for years.
this starts year 19. i plan to retire at the end of year 20.
i have learned through this journey. a job is not worth it. i need "the job" to provide for my kids (because lets be honest if it werent for kids we would all be millionaires). i need 2 more years to accomplish a goal. but i dont need a job that makes me fearful daily. i dont need a title to feel accomplished in life. life is not about a job. life is about what you do in your homes with your families. it is not about working 15 hours a day and worrying about "the job" the remaining 9 hours. "the job" no longer consumes me. my family gets that!
i have needed to write this for a long time. i need to let it go. i learned at church sunday that i’m not a good forgiver and i need to work on that. i need a positive attitude-1-because it is not fair to my family. 2-it is not fair to the new school i am going to. and 3-it is not fair to me to fear a job anymore!
if you want to send some good vibes, i will take them. if you need your house cleaned, reach out. i am building a better future...
much love, alysha
