I am so confused about my life's purpose right now....call it a midlife crisis, call whatever you want, but I think this is the HARDEST time I have ever experienced going back to work.....I have always said that I am better mom because I work because it keeps me sane....but I have really enjoyed being in my little cocoon with me and the kids all summer, our own world, no one to answer to......
Do I want to stay home with my sweet girl? YES!
Do I want to work where Bryson actually is in school? YES!
Do I want to continue to provide our children with experiences that give them happiness? YES!
Do I need to feel like I have a purpose? YES!
So what the heck is wrong with me.....
Is it the fact that I need something NEW to balance my life about every 5 years? MAYBE
Is it that I want new challenges maybe even a new career? MAYBE
Again what is the problem, Alysha......
Do all these questions I am having mean I am going to breakdown and stop being me? No!
Do these questions mean I am not going to go to work tomorrow and do the best job possible? No!
There is something about me that I know from self-reflection and Brooks....I have never stayed at the same position for more than 5 years....I know that sounds unstable because it probably is, but honestly it is what keeps me sane...I have true ADD, as Brooks tells me, and I can't sit still, I can't continue to do the same things over and over so is this why I am racking my brain.......
When I got my teaching degree, I went on to get my masters saying the WHOLE time, I am doing this to not be in the classroom, the rest of my life, this is no secret...and then life happened...Bryson has started school and soccer and friendships and Britan has come and filled our lives with an abundance of JOY and I have gotten WAY toooo comfortable in life....my dreams of getting my doctorate terrify me, my dreams of leaving the classroom (although I want a change) terrify me....
So for the past several weeks, I have asked myself WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have pushed the question away on many occasions because I didn't want to face reality that I was actually going back to work...but now tomorrow will be here before I know it and tears fill my eyes as I type this....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?
Is it all because I don't want to leave Britan..maybe a little (or A LOT), BUT then I think I could quit working, BUT then what would I do next year when she is in preschool 3 days a week and then what would I do in 4 years when she is in school..... and then I think 8 years of college, for what????........and then I think of all the dreams we have as a family....every family has dreams, right?....a new kitchen and a swimming pool (well both those are my dreams), Bryson wants to go on a Disney cruise for his birthday, Brooks wants a new truck and to build his dream garage and Britan of course wants clothes and hair bows....The Derting's dream BIG.......is it worth me being selfish for a couple of years to put all of these dreams on hold...
Please know that this pity party that I am struggling with inside me between the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other has NOTHING to do with the fact that I am grateful for my job and thankful for all that I have done during my career....this has NOTHING to do with where I work.....this simply is a struggle I am having within myself...and I will find my way out of it because I always do...I just really needed to let out what has been sitting inside of me for several weeks.....I am VERY thankful to have a career that allows me to be home over 2 months of the year with my babies......Do I realize how lucky I am to have this as a life hurdle and not some other horrible scenario, YES I do....but at the moment this is what I am dealing with....
So as tomorrow approaches and Britan wakes up from her I nap, I must prepare myself to deal with REALITY.....Will I be ok once I get to work this week.....YES! I just needed a minute to hear my thoughts....
Thanks for listening....AGAIN! Love and Grace for a new school year, Alysha
