a coach’s wife.

 post #4 of #6 for the 2023 year. 

this topic is going to be touchy, not well received-i am certain by some-and possibly controversial. thats your warning....

i make blog posts for an outlet, started 13 years ago as a healing outlet, lead to a sharing outlet, has dwindled over the years, but the purpose has ALWAYS been the same...an outlet. 

i want to start this one with a few pieces of background knowledge 1-because i am not new to this rodeo and 2-because i have learned over the years and reflected on situations that lead me to believe i have decent knowledge of this topic ..

i am mostly a soccer mom...also a tennis mom and a cheer mom, but mostly a soccer mom (no secret in that), but before i was that. i was AND still am a coach’s  wife. you see brooks has coached longer than we have been married. he has coached for 20 years.....20 STRAIGHT years....its not like here or there or a fill in, its not like a season a year, its like multiple seasons a year, multiple teams a year, its a lot. always has been. he coached at NIHS my 1st year teaching and then went to WIHS and then coached recreation and now club. all levels 3-18 years old, rec to premier.  i honestly wish i had better stats on wins, losses, goals, shutouts, etc. but honestly that is a point i hope to get across in this post........

the stats dont matter. you know why? because it all fades away and the things you really take from it are not about the game! not about the coaches, not about the scores, not about the goals. (take that in and read it again)

i dont write this post for stats, i dont write this post for attention, i write this post because i have knowledge, i have reasons for sharing this topic....

when your child(ern) play sports, they have a coach---good, bad, invested, not invested, dedicated, lacking dedication, etc. when you talk about your child's coach in front of them. you change them. you change the game for them. you change the view of their coach in their eyes. its kind of like a teacher....teachers can be all of the above too----good, bad, invested, not invested, dedicated, lacking dedication, etc. when you talk poorly about an adult your child should respect and majority of the time listen to, YOU change YOUR child. just like a doctor....you go to a doctor and then you tell me they are terrible, eek i am now tainted, i dont want to go to that doctor. OUR opinions of others CHANGE others. 

most importantly when your child hears you talking about (good or bad) their coach, their teacher, their doctor, their friend, ETC YOU change YOUR child's views! you may not mean to, it honestly could not even be intentional, but your child wants nothing more than to please you! yes, they want to please friends, teachers, coaches, but their ultimate goal is to not let YOU down as their parent. 

so if they hear good or bad things about authoritative people in their lives, they REACT on it! i say all of this because i have witnessed on not just one occasion, but several! parents ruin things for their children. i like to hope that the original intent of whatever you choose to talk with your child about-about their coaches, teachers, friends, etc did not original start out as being harmful/hurtful. i like to hope that emotions, possibly pride, something of that nature got in the way and it wasnt truly to be harmful. 

i get it, 1000%! i am not here to say brooks is perfect, outstanding, the best, etc.....i am his biggest critic and he is mine! but i will say, he coaches because he sees things, he sees the game, he sees positions, etc he studies, he plans, he ENJOYS his PASSION. he doesnt do this for money, fame, a pat on the back, etc, he does this because its what he knows! its what he’s lived and its what he wants to share with others. NOW to that i also know he is hard, he can be tough, some would say mean, whatever you want to say, that’s on you....he doesnt coach to lose. he doesnt coach for mediocre. but at the end of the day, the practice, the game---a coach is only as good as the support he has behind him. 

i have watched a team crumble, hit rockbottom. and then i saw that same team RISE further than we ever thought possible. when there is toxicity, there is toxicity. and it doesnt matter how good the team is toxicity impacts the whole dynamic.  

i also have been more of a coach’s wife than a soccer mom when my husband and my child are on the same field. because although, it may truly not be needed----coaches wives carry heavy, heavy burdens when their husbands are on the other side of the field. it feels suffocating, it feels exhausting and it is HARD. i want nothing more than for YOUR child to succeed alongside my husband. after all, we are on the same team. 

how you raise your child is not for me to judge...but please know that YOU are who they want to please most! YOU ultimately hold the key to their successes AND their failures. its not a coach, its not a teacher, its not a doctor or a friend. just be mindful of what you say, your tone and expressing your thoughts about adults that are in the path of your child that hopefully have the ultimate goal of helping YOUR child grow in some fashion!

this post has been years in the making, situation after situation i have replayed thoughts in my head to share over and over, so i share this as my outlet....as always! there is nothing more to it, dont read too much into it....just be MINDFUL! 

and most importantly, i am guilty. i have done it. i have participated in negative talk about a leader in my children's lives. i am not here to pretend that i am innocent in that. but the key is learning from that and choosing to do better and build those leaders up NOT tear them down----and i am still learning. 

as always thanks for reading & much love, alysha 

(if you have 2 more topics for me to write about between now and 1/1/24, please share)

living intentional! (random thoughts)

 i have 2 topics looming over me and 4 blog posts to reach my goal for my 2023 vision board....i guess i will start with possibly the least controversial one....

it has to do with my 2023 vision board and the goals i laid out for the year! i think coming into the phase of life that i am currently in....40s, mom of an almost teen and an almost adult...things are just looking different. i had on my vision board the word intentional and although i am not certain i have done that word complete justice there have definitely been intentions in my vision this year. 

i have made some changes on the home front, we have made some changes on the home front. i make laundry detergent, fast daily, bake bread weekly and we just purchased 1/4 of a grass fed cow! we have been intentional in certain things FOR SURE! 

whats the need in this post, you ask. well it honestly is to raise question of what more can we be intentional about. what more can you be intentional about. i have said it multiple times....i thrive to live minimal. i don't want things. i don't want my kids wanting "things". i do want things that are meaningful and NEEDED! but meaningless, taking up space things are not necessary. there is intent in that!

i want for my kids to live a clean life....clean spaces, clean mind and somewhat clean eating. 

i am not there on the last one believe me, but there have been changes and they are evident. i have been fasting 15-18 hours almost daily since january! that was a piece on my vision board, the actual word was calories, but i have seen research on that and its not really about calories like we have been led to believe. its kind of like friends, i would rather have quality over quantity. putting less crap in your body no matter the calorie count is a positive thing! there is intent in that. 

cleaning with less chemicals is a positive thing! 

cutting out people that are negative, not beneficial to you or an intentional mindset, is a positive thing!

i am not really sure what has lead the change over the last year, but the lens is just clearer of whats needed, whats important and how we are truly meant to live. 

i know this post is all over the place and possibly makes no sense at all, but my main goal for sharing was to say....try being intentional. try doing things in a cleaner way. there are plenty other things that could be cleaned up in life and i am open to suggestions....please share

also, this post is important for me because i have a goal and when i set goals, i complete them! (even if its terrible content---sorry)

all in all, i hope you are well, i hope you are ready for the upcoming holidays, lets try to be more intentional with our holiday time! 

sorry for the random thoughts, much love, alysha 

a struggling senior mom.....

 happy tuesday! 

as i reflect on my 2023 vision board there is one glaring thing i am behind on...blogging....and when i set goals i complete them so here i am! you will see me 5 more times this 2023 year to mark this off the board!

i have a couple topics in my head, but being that it is summer---i am starting here. i am in the phase of summer slipping away and it makes me sad, but i have tried so hard this summer to enjoy, not rush and truly soak it in. 

this has been a defining summer for me. bryson is weeks away from his senior year. and its HARD. possibly the hardest part i recall in this parenting journey. tears fill my eyes as i type as they have for weeks when i let myself think that this is it. it's almost over. this phase is nearing the end. and the next phase may hold sweet, precious times as well, but dang the not knowing hurts!

i have tried my very best to be present. be in the moment. although then i have tears. again. i keep reliving all the small things, the big things, all the things. did we do enough, did we teach enough, did we do a decent job. it's like nothing i have experienced as a parent. sure changing diapers, securing childcare, terrible 2s, etc they were challenges but i feel like you are so deep in those moments, you don't reflect and when the end is staring you in the face all you have is reflection. 

as i cried for 30 mins after dropping him off for his last soccer camp the other day, i was reminded i can be sad, but i should be proud, sad/proud is acceptable and it's a great thought. i am, we are, super proud of him. anything he has ever set his mind to, he has accomplished. and as we took our 1st college tours last week i was reminded of how proud we are, he has worked so hard to be competitive when applying for colleges soon. (btw-i may start sharing tips for parents entering this stage, because i am learning a lot and surely there are others out there that need help navigating this as well). 

so here i sit sad/proud. but i have thoughts and they are thoughts that some won't agree with and that's okay maybe they aren't in the same phase or maybe they will never have these thoughts. but here are my thoughts....yall. we as a society, us included, spend too much time pushing our kids into activities. i know, i have done it, WE are guilty, but now that i see the end. it doesn't matter. i say that for a few reasons and it doesn't matter seems not a nice way or the right way to explain my thoughts. i say this because bryson has played soccer for almost 15 years. we have done it all. traveled near and far, played all levels. and all those memories i would not trade (that's where this is tricky and i wouldn't trade it, but then i say its not worth it-see hard to explain). we have met some of our closest friends on this journey, but bryson has no intentions of playing soccer in college. no intentions because what he wants to study wouldn't allow time to be a student athlete as well and thats okay. but when i say not worth it.....we pay so much money, we spend so much time dropping here, dropping there, missing out on time with them. and i currently want more time. i am not saying no activities because the other side of that are the benefits of being on a team, learning to win and be a good loser, but i am saying...maybe less. not 5 sports, not activities 24/7. i just want more slow days at home in our home, just us because those days are oh so numbered. 

i feel like i have tried to be so selfish this summer. i want to keep them both home with me, in our bubble, alone. i dont want to share them, i dont want them to go without me. i want to spend all the time with them. and then i think of school starting. sports starting. and we go back to 12-14 hour days where i dont seem them. and its not worth it. i want all the minutes with them. i want all the time. 

so you see i am so conflicted. i am sad/proud. i want more time. i want another 18 years. 

the whole point of this blog from day 1 was to let my emotions out, so if you stuck with this, this is me. raw, crying, sad/proud. and i just want to say e.n.j.o.y. all the moments, don't rush them, soak it all in because one day you will see about 365 days remaining on this part of the parenting journey and things suddenly look differently. 

thanks for always reading-i will be back 4 more times once i publish this one because remember you set goals to accomplish them, not to abandon them! 

much love as always, alysha 

minimalism & debt

 hey guys

its that time again....our debt anniversary. many know my secret debt life, but i have started to realize that not only was that a testimony that i carry, but it does seem to be connected to minimalism-who knew. 

when you start to live with less, it impacts many aspects of life. i have said before we dont live to keep up with the joneses. we dont need our home filled with things and unlimited amounts of clothes, shoes, purses, etc. no one does (sorry, truth hurts). 

if you had asked me 11 years ago, when our lives changed drastically, if i wanted to be a minimalist, i would not have even known what that meant. it has been a journey that just continues to teach me. minimalism is a simple way of life that has to be embraced to work. (i really wish i could get my eating habits as solid as my minimalism)......but i do know it takes a lot of self discipline, constant work, you can't do it once and think it stays that way, its always evolving. (ex. i have taken 4 bags to goodwill in the last month----you have to be willing to always recycle and clear out)

so how does it relate. well the easiest correlation i see is many people have debt because they have a LOT of stuff, that they have more than likely purchased with debt. but also, when you realize and analyze all purchases it helps with debt. you are not buying things constantly. there has to be a reason for the purchase. i have been guilty lately of purchasing a new shirt too often when i visit tj maxx (thats my weakness-tj maxx), but if one new thing comes in one old thing goes out. it has to work that way or it DOESNT work. 

when i say i wish the world could feel the freedom in not living in clutter and debt----i am so very serious. i was that person, i literally did all i could to make it. i think i have said this before---there was a time, bryson was a baby, i was taking grad night classes at UNCC and i knew there was a bill coming in the mail that day, i literally lied about class being canceled to stay home to intercept the mail to HIDE my secret. i lived in that fear and chaos for years! i lived for checking the mail to avoid being caught. the stuff i had purchased on that secret debt was not worth it. i literally almost caused us to lose everything. it. is. not. a. good. healthy. life. i promise! and the stuff is not worth it!

i do think that "it" taught me how to be disciplined (again not with food), but with routine, order, etc. i strive to accomplish (that may not be super healthy either, but its way better than lying, hiding and barely making it). 

i just really encourage you to....let go of having stuff, let go of spending money you may not have or money that could be used for something bigger and better, let go of impressing people----honestly people dont care, they are going to judge you for having or not having, it DOESNT matter. just make YOUR people happy, keep them safe, teach them better ways. 

i truly appreciate you reading---if you have questions, if you need a starting point, ASK me....if you have budgeting question-i know a guy! i truly want the world to be better and i do think letting go of stuff, debt and envy would be a great start! 

*****for anyone that saw my vision board for 23---this is my 1st of 6 posts!!! (sorry had to document that)...if you want to know about my $32k hidden debt, you can catch up here: http://brooksalyshabryson.blogspot.com/2013/02/

as always, much love, alysha