I did and I don't like it! I don't like going to bed with bad things running through my mind. I don't like thinking that 10 weeks ago everything was fine and another child was just a question. Is it bad that I want to turn back time and erase this whole thing? I think, in my thoughts, last year at this time we were happy without a care in the world, then winter, spring, and most of the summer went the same way and now this. My problem is I can't stop questioning why we did this....were we 100% sure that we wanted another baby, I can't answer yes to that because I don't know if we were. Were we trying so that Bryson would have a sibling because we thought he needed one, maybe. Did we do it because I was tired of the questions....when are you going to have another one, perhaps. Did it happen because having more than one is the norm, you tell me, is it? Was there anything wrong with the way we were before, NO! Were we happy, YES! Am I sad now that 10 weeks has drastically changed the past 4 1/2 years, YES! We always said that we would not try again until Bryson was almost in school, so that way we wouldn't have 2 in daycare, 2 that need cars (around the same time), 2 in college. This has been our plan from day one when Bryson was born and maybe that is why I was eager to try because that timeline was starting to expire and YOU know me....got to accomplish my to-do list, so that I can check it off and move onto something new. So is that why we did, I don't have an answer. Now the lingering question in my mind is: try again? And if we do try again, are we doing it for the right reasons or are we now doing because I need to prove to myself that I can do this because I don't like failure! I need help answering these questions and right now Brooks hasn't been much help with this because he has said whatever I want to do, we will do and truly I don't want that responsibility at this moment. So for now the question will continue to run through my mind, so I am going to leave this negativity in this paragraph and I am going to move onto a new one RIGHT NOW!
So this morning my 2 sweet boys let me sleep till 9:45 (because I am not a morning person, if you didn't know that), when then I was greeted with kisses and a cheese bagel from McDonald's. Aren't they sweet? And now I am sitting on the couch making myself better by writing this and looking out the sliding glass door at the beautiful fall leaves and the sunshine. The boys are outside playing with the dogs....let me tell you about our "animals" we have a pug that Brooks got me for graduating college in 2004. He is 6 (wow, he is getting old) and his name is Jaxson. Then we have Weedeater (named by Bryson) we got him when we moved into the house the summer of 2008 because we have lots of fields around us that bring lots of field mice, yuck! Then there are the billion fish and corals that Brooks raises and sometimes sells. We have 4 saltwater tanks in our house...let me try and get them right. We have a 120 gallon in the living room, Bryson has a 34 gallon nano cube in his room, we have a 180 gallon in the basement and 65 gallon frag tank also in the basement. And then there is our newest edition a nice, big, 130 lb St. Bernard given to us graciously by my brother, Wesley, this summer. His name is Diesel and he is 2 years old. He is a very sweet boy and he, Jaxson, and sometimes Weedeater have their own condo in the basement. Jaxson use to live in the house and I let Diesel try for about 4 days when I realized that sweeping a whole dog of fur everyday and cleaning slobber from the ceilings daily was NOT for me. They are very happy and content in the basement because they each have a twin bed to sleep in and the beautiful fish to conversate with (spell check is telling me that conversate is not a word, but I don't care b/c I think it sounds good).
So the plan for the day is for the boys to mow the yard, which will probably be the last time of the year, and for me to clean the house, which is what I do BEST and I like to call it my best talent. I have to share this with you, when we had Brooks' party in August I invited some of his co-workers and one of them told him later that our house was "freakishly clean and weird that it is so clean".......this is a HUGE compliment in book and I was grateful to hear this because that means that my talent shines through :) Then I think Brooks and I may go on a date....I would like to go to the Melting Pot, but I haven't suggested that yet, so we will see. For now I hope you have a GREAT Saturday, thank you for reading and please continue to read because it makes me feel good to share in the best way I know how: writing!!! Enjoy the beautiful day and know that the Derting's love you :)
